I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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