You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize