I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
