So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
