my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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