I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
His hands were made for my vagina.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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