Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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