Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
