Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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