I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
