i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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