i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
