I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
