bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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