if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
