Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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