I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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