Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
