so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
whose ass print is on the piano?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
