nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Randomize
