ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Randomize
