If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
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