I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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