Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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