I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
