Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
