do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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