i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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