Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize