giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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