She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize