we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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