Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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