I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
