watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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