And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
