I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
