Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
