So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
