I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
