OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize