I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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