billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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