did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Non-Jews are for practice
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
