Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
