My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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