New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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