My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
