hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
