And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
