I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
my god I love twenty year old dicks
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
