i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
