Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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