i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
