New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
whose ass print is on the piano?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
