Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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