We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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