i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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