Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
