Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize