Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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