Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize