I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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