im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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