Best friends brother. Beat that.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
