I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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