Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
