great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
