is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
